Kitteh Speak
The Language of Kittehs and their Hoomans
Akshully: Somefink dat rilly happind.
Angil Face: When u sit up straight wiff ur front legs togedder an ur tail aroun dem, den make ur eyes rilly big, point ur face down but look up.Dis has da unyooshual power ober hoomans an will make dem do anyfing. Da Angil Face Eskape Claws is bery rare an speshul. Dis is when u bork sumfing, like a lamp, a goggie comes to see whut da noise was, den teh hooman comes in an u make da Angil Face, an da hooman blames da lamp on da stoopy goggie, who is prolly waggin his tail. (see Puss In Boots)
Asplode: Whut ur hed does when u look at a kitten too long. It asplodes frum da kyoot.
Awwwww! Whut most kittens fink dere name is for a week or too.
B4: Is da oppasit ob neks. Duh!
Bat-shit Crazy: When a kitteh jus plumb loosis control an starts rippin aroun like a mad man fur no reesun. Sumtiems happins when play fightin, da kitteh will jus snap an attemp to kill u. U cn yooshually tell when dis is gonna happin because it is ofn proceedid by da bat-shit crazy eyes, a bulging, vacant stare into da distince. A kitteh is nawt responsibl fur its akshunz followin da bat-shit crazy eyes.
Baf: Where u lick urself all ober for da cleen; When a hooman tries to put u in horrible, horrible water. Ugghhh! Don eben tawk abowt it. Sometimez dis happins when ur hooman goes off dere nut an saiz u stink. As if!!! Dis kinda baf is kitteh hell. (aka Baff or “Do not want!!!”)
Barkalounger: A goggie who will let teh kittehs sleep on or neer him for warms; A goggie who sleeps awl day; A big fat chair dat tilts.
Bed: Any sootable surface direkly between a hooman an whut dey are doin, like a compooter keybord, newspaper or baffroom door at nite; A boks, preferably wun dat a factory made cat bed came in; Any flat or curved surface dat sumbuddy wud say is da las place u cud sleep.
Birdie: Fud, if u cn catch dem; General pain in da ass for indoor kittehs, as in “Oh, yeah? Lemme see u come heer an say dat, stoopie birdie!”
Blanket Monster: A game where a hooman mobes aroun under a blanket or cubbers, but like its a animal or mouse, an u tries to catch it. Is more fun dan it souns.
Boks: Best fing ebber. Usually full ob usless stuffs, u cn play in dem once u or ur hooman guts dem. (see bed)
Borked: Not workin, as in “Dis fing is borked.” or “My hooman mus be borked. It hasn fed me in like a forever.”
Bunny Kicks: When a kitteh grabs u wiff da frunt legs an kicks hard an reepeetedly wiff da bak legs, like a bunny. Yooshually proceedid by da bat-shit crazy eyes.
Catloaf: When u lay down an tuck alla ur legs unner ur body for warms. Nobody cn see ur legs so u look like a meatloaf, but rilly ur a cat.
Crunchie Fud: Nawt as gud as gushi fud, but dis stuff comes inna bag, so u don need can opiner or fumbs. U cn opin dis stuff wiff ur pointees, teef, or by nockin if offa da counter. CRASH, BANG, SPLODE, Om, nom nom!
Dans: Jus Dans. Nuffink lef 2 do but dans. Got cannd heet in my pads tonite babeh.; To move rivmickally to da moosic.
Dawg: Big, drooly… jus see goggie.
Diffrnt: Nawt da same.
Dignity: Somefing ebbry kitteh has by natchur, when dey wants.
Dint: Oppasit ob did.
Dongle: A small fing dat conneks to da compooter, a werd teh kittehs like cuz it souns nawty.
Do Not Want: Anyfing dat is bein offrd by a hooman dat is repugnint an dey feels offendid by; Anyfing a kitteh is bein forsed to do. (see baf)
Dunno: If I knew I’d tell ya.
Ebil: Somefing nawt gud. Like rilly nawt gud. (see baf)
Eleben: More dan ten
Elebenty: A lot more dan ten
Eskimo Kiss: When u touch noses wiff anudder kitteh or ur hooman, bery gentle like, two or free times. Is like a “hello” wiff fambly or sumbuddy u luv.
Fail: Somefing dats nawt gunna happin, or goes wrong in a way dat will make da udder kittehs LOL
Fiks: To unbork
Fink: When u has a wonder abowt somefink.
Fings: Stuff & junk.
Flavr: What happins in ur mouf when u nom fuds.
Floof: Hars dat is longer.
Fut: Is on da end ob ur leg.
Gawtz: Whut u gawtz, u gawtz. Whut u don’t u nawts.
Goggie: Big stoopid drooly fing, nawt good for much essept teasin’ an blamin fings on. Sumtiems gud for warms, but dis potenshul mus be establishd wiff grate care. (see Barkalounger & Angil Fase)
Goway: Don bodder meh now.
Grabbity: Da natchural enimee ob da kittehs. Will make u fall an da udder kittehs LoL
Gud: Nawt bad.
Gushie Fud: What u get when u heer da can opiner.
Hedbonk: Jus like it sounds. When u bonk ur hed on somefing or someone u like. Like when dey’s gibbin u noms, u gib dem hedbonks. (aka Hed Bonk, Head Butt)
Hooman: Gibber ob noms. But also gibber ob baffs, so u takes da gud wiff da bad.
IDK: Again, if I knew, I’d tell ya.
Interwebs: Da place wher all da udder kittehs is. Like lots.
i r: i r, derefor i fink, i fink
IRL: Nawt on da interwebs. Somefing dat rilly happind. (see akshully)
Joos: Da wet stuffs inna fruit.
Jus: Whut u got, an no mor.
K: Alrighty den. Gud 2 go.
Kthxbai: C u later.
Kweshun: Like “Who tore up my curtins?” or “Why is dere toylit papr all ober da howse?” A kweshun is somefing dat cn get u in to trubble.
Kyoot: What da tiny kittens has dat will make ur hed splode.
LOL: What u do when somebody duz somefink stoopy.
Makin’ Biscuits: When u find sumfing big, warm an sqwishy dat u like, like a blanket or a hooman, an u can’t help but sqwish an skweez it wiff ur front paws. Makes u feel eben warmer an fuzzier dan yooshual. (aka Kneeding)
Noms: Fud, as in Om, Nom, Nom. Comes in gushie, crunchies an live. Next to sleep, noms is most important, aifinkso.
Om Nom Nom: A kitteh who makes funneh sounds when dere eatin’ like “Om nom nom.” (see Noms and Fud)
Pew pew pew: Da soun ob da guns when u playin space kittehs. Da soun ur lazr eyes make.
Plz: Da face u make when u aksin ur hooman fur da gushifud insted ob crunchies.
Pr0n: Dirdy (an/or seksy) pikshurs on da interwebs.
Quik: Nawt slow.
Raspee: Tiny pointees on ur tung fur to baf urself.
rly: A kweshun, “Is dat troo?”
Sammich: When a hooman puts stoopy bred on perfekly gud meat or tuna.
Skitches: Whut a hoomin is rly gud at. Espeshully in da spots u can’t reech.
Snorgle: When a hooman rubs dere face into ur belly or anudder sof, floofy place.
Splode: Whut happins when somefing esplodes.
Stoopy: Nawt smart. Dum (also stoopie)
Teef: Pointees in ur mouff
Tung: Fing in ur mouff wiff raspees on it.
Treat: Seein a goggie get blamed for somefing u done. (see Angil Face)
Udder: Nawt dis wun.
Ushual: Same ol’
Verrah: Like, a lot.
Vet: Summabeech who stiks fings up ur butt an pokes u wiff needlz.
Wif: Somefing and somefing els.
WTF?: What gibbs? Whut u say when somefing u don like happins.
What Doing?: When ur asleep, an a hooman makes a noise, u lif ur hed an say “What doing?”; When a hooman takes a long time gettin stuff reddy an has all dere stuff owt an is about to do somefink important, u sit rite in da middle ob dere stuff an say “What doing?” It’s a curiosity fing. U wuddn unnerstan.
Xackly: On da nose. U got dat rite.
Xcited: Bery happy. If u nawt careful, xcited cn easily leed to spaz, an dats nawt cool.
Y: Y nawt?
Yew: Nawt me.
Zombee: Dere ebbrywher. Is suspektid to be da cawz ob da blanket monster, amung udder fings.
ZOMG: Holee frak!
Dere’s mor commin’…
